Here are a few of my favorite things I wrote for The Onion:


Dad Suggests Arriving At Airport 14 Hours Early

Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster
Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women
Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show
Few More Items Knocked Off List Of Desirable Traits In Partner As Woman Turns Year Older
Least Popular Guy At House Party Really Hitting It Off With Dog
Sexually Frustrated Woman Just One Of The Guys
Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed    
Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict
Stars Of Canceled Show Terrified Fans Will Raise Money For Movie
Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors
Nation’s Gratuitously Sexual Couples Announce Plans To Wait In Line At Six Flags Announces Plans To Develop Original Programming
Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children's Biological Parents Own Mansions
Mom Leaks Out Another Divorce Detail During Drive To SAT Prep Class
Physician Shoots Off A Few Adderall Prescriptions To Improve Yelp Rating
GLAAD To Honor Any Mainstream Film That Gets One Thing Right About Being Gay
90% Of Audience At College Graduation Involved In Heated Family Argument
Disgruntled Bandmates Worried Rivers Cuomo’s Wife Becoming The Fifth Weezer
Elmore Leonard, Modern Prose Master, Noted For His Terse Prose Style And For Writing About Things Perfectly And Succinctly With A Remarkable Economy Of Words, Unfortunately And Sadly Expired This Gloomy Tuesday At The Age Of 87 Years Old
Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

Liberal Arts Graduate Realizes He’s Already Forgotten 90% Of Human Condition

Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire
Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof
Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates
66-Year-Old 'Washington Post' Reporter Hopes He Liveblogged State Of The Union Right
NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email
Voters Clamoring To Know If Female Political Candidate A Mother First
Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President
Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton
Candidate Profile: Donald Trump
19 Tweets From The Audubon Society/Barack Obama Twitter Feud (SLIDESHOW)

Opinion: Marriage Is Something You Have To Work At Until Your Children Leave
Opinion: Sometimes I Wonder What Life Would Be Like If I Hadn’t Turned Down ‘Star Wars’ And Thrown Natalie Wood Off That Boat
Advice Column: Ask An Elderly Black Woman As Depicted By A Sophomore Creative Writing Major


American Voices
How The College Admissions Process Works
The Pros And Cons Of Vaccinating Children
Least Ordered Starbucks Menu Items
Top-Selling Parenting Books
Least Popular Spring Break Packages
Hottest New Tech Startups
Top 10 Must-Watch TV Shows This Fall


The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers that Transformed an Undeserving World
The Onion Book of Known Knowledge